I heard my husbands phone ring and then a muffled and brief conversation with whoever was on the other end. I then heard his footsteps on the basement stairs and looked up to see what he had to say. “I’m going”, he said. And then he was collecting his gear, putting on his uniform, and walking out the door for work, all within a half hour period of time.
I can’t say where he’s going.
I don’t know exactly how long he’s gone for.
I don’t know what his mission is.
I don’t know when I’ll see him next.
My husband is a Search and Rescue (SAR) pilot with the Canadian military and life is a little chaotic.
I will preface all of this by saying I KNOW how important his job is. I know what his job is about and that when he gets a callout it’s because someone is in some kind of trouble somewhere and needs serious help. This is what we all signed on for. I do NOT put the inconvenience of our household above the safety and well being of other people - I’m proud of all of the SAR teams for what they do and recognize the significance. I am only using my blog to portray my personal feelings and experiences as I recognize it’s unique and this lifestyle does create some challenges on the homefront.
This mission is my husbands first real callout. He’s spent a lot of time away from us in the last couple years but this is the first time he’s going on a mission for his job instead of just doing the training. The only thing I know is that he was told to pack for 3-4 days....what I know of the military is that 3-4 days could mean multiple weeks potentially and nothing is for certain....
I have been a military spouse for the past 15 years now. I know to expect the unexpected. In saying that, though, it doesn’t make the unexpected any easier to swallow, especially as a parent. It just means you generally know what to do when it happens. Generally. Or you get really good at your poker face at least. But it’s still tough.
This week, in particular, is a week that I wish I had the extra support from my person. Things I wish I didn’t have to do alone I now have no choice. And it happened in a matter of a half hour. I didn’t even have time to realize or process how everything that was planned for this week has now changed in an instant. And when you’re thrown into solo-parenting in a moments notice, it makes your head spin a bit. All of the jobs are now my jobs and my jobs alone..... and I don’t know for how long. My husband was a blur, trying to make sure he had all of his things together..... and then he was gone. And we were still here......Putting away the extra suitcase he took out or the shoes he left by the table, trying to mentally piece the coming days together without him.
So, the new plan is to hunker down, hold it all together, wait for news, do what needs to be done. Wash, rinse, repeat. I will do my best here while he is off doing his best with his crew in whatever their call ends up being. The inconvenience to our family life, big picture, means very little in comparison to the danger others may be facing in order to require the SAR teams help. I tell myself this over and over. I try my best to be gracious about it. But my heart doesn’t care so much about grace, especially when I’m wiping away a little boys tears and trying to make everything ok for him.
This life is really tough sometimes. Never boring but definitely tough.
With that being said, I hope, more than anything, that my husband and his crew stay safe and that the outcome of their mission has a positive end, whatever it is they’ll be doing. I hope they have smooth flights, do what needs to be done, and can come home soon.
Safe travels. ❤️
Sometimes I have a lot to say.
And sometimes I have nothing to say at all.
The conundrum of an extroverted introvert I guess.
But when I do have things to say I shall put them here. And probably on Facebook....
A thing that might be good to know about me is that I have opinions. On a lot of things. And sometimes the pull is so strong to share them that fighting it feels wrong. I don’t share what I share because I’m ego centric, despite the belief of some (usually those who disagree). I share what I share because I feel like I HAVE to morally or like it’s some contract I signed for the agreement of the human experience. And sometimes I share things despite the fact that I know other people won’t like what I say.
My goal is not to be liked by everyone. That’s ridiculous.
Instead, my goal is to love, and help create a world I can proudly hand off to my son.... even if my small part is through sharing my voice - whether it be through my artwork or my thoughts and feelings. I do good when I can. I try to own and apologize for my mistakes. I’m always growing and changing, as we all should.
I’m an empath with some hardline boundaries, implemented through personal experience and growth. I love and protect fiercely.
I am a far cry from perfect. But I try. I wake up everyday and I make efforts. I do the work. And then I wake the next day and do the same. Sometimes in a larger capacity.... sometimes less.
And I’m here to share all of this with you. Because maybe what I’ve been through or am going through might help you with something you’ve been through or are going through. Maybe my perspective could help you change yours. Maybe you just need a laugh.... and maybe I can provide that for you - life is really funny if you’re paying attention.... or if you’re jaded just enough to be the proud owner of a dark and twisted sense of humour.
Maybe I’m just talking loudly into the void.... but maybe you’re out there. And if you are.... I see you ❤️